It still doesn’t seem quite real to me that Led isn’t going to be there for me the way he was for so very long.

For the first few days I cried every time I thought of him, but for the past two days I haven’t cried. I’m doing okay.

All kinds of odd things have gone through my mind.

I think we all have similar thoughts when we lose someone we love. We fret over things left unsaid. We moan over things we wish we hadn’t said or done. Shit, the last word I actually texted to him was “die”. Go figure! Granted, I wasn’t telling him to die; I simply texted “crap, my battery is about to die” – even so, the irony of it all didn’t escape me.

I’ve been angry with him. He promised he’d always be there. He isn’t. I know this because I call his cell each day just to hear his voice. Perhaps the finality of it all will sink in when the phone is disconnected and I get a recording saying the number is no more. Until then, I shall call just to have that bit of connection.

I’ve come to realize that I’m being incredibly selfish. I’m thinking of his death in terms of “what will I do without him in my life?” Sheesh, I have made this all about me. The reality of the situation is  that I should be sad for him and not for me. I think grief tends to be that way for most people though. We are sad for ourselves because losing that someone takes them away from us. It’s the survivors that are feeling lonely – it’s not the one that’s gone.

Even though I hadn’t talked to him right before he died, he knew I loved him. I know he did. I believe that deep in my heart.

I also believe he didn’t know or sense how close he was to dying. I’ve heard over and over from people how their loved one just “knew”. I really think he just went to sleep that night and didn’t wake up in the morning. I don’t think he felt shitty and suspected that was his last night or that the end was nearing. I believe he’d have called me to say good-bye if that were the case. He wouldn’t have just bailed from this planet on me.

I do believe his spirit, his presence, or whatever is here and always will be around me. He may not physically be here to kick my ass when I act like an idiot, but the essence of him is here. I can hear his voice in my head giving me encouragement.

I’m still finding the hardest part is that I can’t just pick up the phone any time I want to talk to him. I think that will bother me for a very long time.

In the meantime, I am finding myself smiling when those memories of him hit me by surprise. It’s okay. I miss him, but I will be okay. The world will keep spinning and as long as he’s in my heart, he’s going to be spinning on it with me.

Peace

Fa la la la la, la la la la – I love love love love my friend, Eilie! Yesterday I was grumbly and cranky, but the horse thing completely got my mind off the situation that was making me grumbly and cranky.

That didn’t make it go away though, so today the grumbly crankiness was back. It’s a long story, I won’t bore you with the details. Needless to say, I was irritated in a huge huge way.

This evening I was sounding off about it to Eilie and she came up with the perfect way to resolve the situation. Brilliant! I’m going to use her solution and life will be good.

Yup, that’s what friends are for – solving problems. Damn, I love that girl!

Peace

And so the countdown begins – I’m heading back to work in a few weeks.

Each year brings changes of some sort or another; this one isn’t an exception.

New kids, a couple new teachers, and two of my bestest friends will be my bosses.

Whoa! Hold the fort on that one – that’s going to be the strangest feeling of all.

My current principal is a good friend and has been since I began working there. Even though we hang out in the same group when we are all out and all that jazz – he’s been my “boss” and not really a best pal.

This year he’s swithing to part time and they are filling the gap with two assistant principals. Both of them are already on staff and hold the licensure needed to do this. Both of them are good friends – one of them is someone I talked to almost every day. We share secrets and our lives – we’ve done so for years.

I don’t see these friendships becoming strained, but it will be a mite different I think.

I’m looking forward to seeing how it all works out.

Peace

I love going out to lunch with a group of good friends. I love the laughter and closeness. I love giggling over drinks and catching up with what each of us has been doing with our summer.

Today there were nine of us – our ages range from 20s to 60s – but we share so much. We work together, care about each other, call each other when the chips are down, look out for each other’s children, cover each other’s classes, go on vacations together, and care about each other.

I’m lucky to have them.

Not long ago a cousin was telling me about her new job and she said something I found interesting. She said “I don’t LOVE my job – it’s a good one and the money is great. I like my job, but not very many people have what you have – you actually love your job.”

These women – the ones I giggled with today – they are a huge reason I love going to work every day.

I’m a lucky ducky!

Peace

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re obsolete? Last night I was restless and antsy. Everyone in my world seemed to have something to do – except me.

A few friends called me to chitchat – I amused myself with that for a bit. I was glad they called because I was feeling lonely for some unfathomable reason.

The hub was off earning money.

Boycub had a friend over and they were playing video games, guitars, and watching movies.

Babycub was spending the night at a friend’s house.

The older kids are busy with their lives – as they should be.

It came to me while I wandered around the house, wandered outside the house, flipped the computer on, flipped the computer off, flipped the tv on, flipped the tv off, picked up a book, put down a book, etc.

Nobody really needs me anymore.

The world would still spin. Life would still go on. Things would be the same if I was zapped from the planet and taken to some new universe.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself – it’s no pity party that I’m on. It’s simply reality.

It seems I have done my part for those that I love. My family can stand on its own. My friends are strong and can do whatever they need to do without me.

I love those people and I know they love me – yet – there is nothing so remarkable about me that would make my loss anything that cannot be dealt with.

Weird, huh? Weird to realize that no matter how important we think we are – we really are just another person in the lives of so many.

Would they miss me? They damn well better or I’d be pissed as hell.

They just don’t “need” me. Nobody really does.

I should have mentioned one more thing. At the end of the night when all was quiet there was a text message that came through. It was a personal conversation – yet – for a few minutes I was “needed”. How odd that little things like that simply can make you feel warm and fuzzy all over inside.

Peace

I didn’t recognize the number on caller ID, but I knew it was local. The call went like this:

“Hey Ms. C., What’s sodomy?”

To say I was speechless is an understatement. I paused then said “Uh, who is this????”

“It’s J!” She responded as if calling her history teacher to ask about sodomy is not a big deal. Of course, this girl and I have a unique relationship. I’ve already explained breast pumps, labor pains, and childbirth to her. Even so, sodomy wasn’t something I was prepared for.

“Uh, I guess you could say it’s a legal term for anal sex” – yup, that was about as graphic as I wanted to get with this one.

Meanwhile the hub was standing near me and his jaw dropped to the floor. Quickly he starts pestering me under his breath. I guess I can’t blame him; he’s not used to hearing me discussing sodomy or anal sex on the phone while casually sipping a beer in the sunroom.

I had to ask. A part of me wasn’t so sure I wanted to hear the answer, but the bigger part of me was itching to know just WHY one of my sixteen year old students was calling to ask me about this.

She’d been watching some cop show on television. Some dude was charged with sodomy. She was clueless and figured she’d ask me. Luverly! She giggled when I suggested she use a dictionary the next time then said “Why should I do that? I have my teacher on my phone!”

Yup, she does. Gotta love that one.

Peace

The drum roll is happening. It’s countdown time. The last day for students to scamper into school is Monday! Don’t ask me why oh why the schedule was set for us to end classes on a Monday. I’m not one of the “smart” people that makes those decisions.

In a moment of utter and complete weakness, I relented to pressure and agreed to take my sophomores kayaking. Did I mention this included “all” of the ones that want to go? In the past I’ve taken the summer school kids; these kids begged, pleaded, and cajoled me into this.

At the end of June their English teacher and I are going to be heading to Wisconsin with a large group of kids – most of whom have never been in a kayak. They will hop into a kayak and almost immediately be facing their first small rapids. Many will topple into the water. Others will find themselves turned around and going backwards down the river.

I’ll be giggling at their antics and having a fantastic time watching them doing something out of their comfort zone. We aren’t going until the end of June; I’ll have to write about it after we survive the trip!

Peace

Today I am feeling dull. Have you ever just had one of those moments where you sit back and think “what on earth do I blog about today?” If so you can totally relate to me at this moment.

The thing is – I love to blog. I love to read what all of you have been up to. It makes me feel connected to a number of people that I would never have come to know without this medium.

That said, sometimes I’m just a yawner – this is one of those moments.

Even so, I don’t want to see this place fade into nothing so I am blogging.

Once upon a time I was this person that stumbled across the wide world of bloggage. It fascinated me. I found this wonderful little world of interesting people that let me peek into their world. I discovered that behind the words are real people with real happiness, hopes, dreams, sorrows, and just about every human emotion that exists.

I discovered I’m not alone.

I discovered that when I want to vent, someone listens. When something silly happens, someone laughs. When I am sad, someone cares. It astounds me. It impresses me.

To me, blogging is truly about community. I wouldn’t spend time reading and writing if I didn’t believe in that. It’s why I keep coming back day after day.

I was amazed and astounded when Pixie and Rusty started efx3 when our other site was about to go belly up. It takes some pretty amazing people to do that. It takes some real dedication to the concept of community that I found so wonderful about all of you.

I worry as I see less and less entries going up. I worry when I see less and less comments. Call me silly, but I think that’s what the place needs – all of us to do what Pixie and Rusty did – we need to be here. It seems we need to weather a small storm and work together to bring back the community aspect and let each other know we are here.

Wow, this wasn’t my intention at all. Nope, it’s what happens when I sit down to ramble for a bit.

Peace

Tonight is the Academic Awards banquet, and I’ve been selected by a student as “her” teacher to honor. It’s a compliment, but I’m feeling like an utter shit because I truly have no desire to go. I want to stay home and play outside. We’ve spent a chunk of time batting a volleyball around out there today and now the party is over – I am waiting for my hair to dry so I can get dressed and head out of here to make nice-nice with the grown ups. Shame on me! I truly do really like the girl that picked me. She’s an awesome young woman who will wow the world when she graduates. Her parents, the ones I’ll be sitting with, are friendly and easy to talk to. I’m just wishing I could go back outside for a wee bit more sunshine.

I think I’m feeling ornery because my next three weekends are booked and I am not a happy camper about it. Next weekend is the fishing opener. The hubster is heading out with his friends for their annual, crazed camping thingy. No kids allowed. That means Boycub, who is itching to drown a worm or two, can only go if I take him to the cabin. I’m taking the Cubs to the cabin. The following weekend the hub is taking both of our sons camping and fishing. Normally, that’s an awesome weekend for Babycub and me. We play all weekend. This time, Babycub and I are going to have the grandbaby spending the weekend with us. The following weekend it’s back to the cabin.

I love GrandbabyCub, but she just turned one. One year olds are a lot of work. If we take her outside, she’ll be shoving every leave, twig, or rock into her mouth unless we watch her like a hawk. It’s not my idea of being a total bum while the boys are gone. It’s not what we do at all.

I know I sound like the worst gram ever. I am consumed with guilt when I even think out loud that it’s going to be inconvenient to spend the weekend chasing the baby around. It would be sooooo much easier if she were just a couple years older. I don’t want to deal with diapers or Gerber.

There you have it; why I’m feeling a wee bit of a cranky-pants at the moment. All this, and I still have to correct papers on the Napoleonic Code tonight. *insert yawn* It’s going to be a long night.

Peace

PS – Do you like this design? I think it’s rather sharp.

I may have had a few of my own, but I still don’t know much about birthin’ babies. It seems I am about to learn. I don’t know if some idiot poured fertility drugs into the local water supply, but I am suddenly finding myself surrounded by kids having kids. I don’t like it much, but there isn’t much more I can do other than be supportive and encourage my mommies-to-be to finish school in spite of the hardships they are going to be facing.

One of my girls graduated last year. I’ve talked about her in the past – we’ve been through a lot together already. She’s the girl that dragged me off to her AA meetings so she’d have a support system there as well. Now I’m finding myself being her friend and teacher as she travels down an entirely different path.

Another is barely sixteen. I am finding myself amazed and impressed at how well this little girl is handling a very adult situation. She’s moving forward, but doing whatever it takes to continue with her education while also preparing to be a mom. Her own mom isn’t in her world – it appears she’s substituting hugs and encouragement from me in her place.

She’s due any day and her plan is to drag me into the delivery room with her. Actually, they both seem to have this plan and I seem to have a difficult time saying no. How can I? They are both in a place in life where they need someone and they’ve picked me.

My older girl isn’t due for a couple of months, meanwhile I’m just counting down the seconds until the younger one goes into labor. This morning my phone rang well before my alarm went off. Instantly my mind went to “oh my God, this is IT!” I was wrong. It was my brother calling about something most definitely not baby related.

Yet, soon first call will come and I’ll be there to see the wee baby boy come into the world. I think it will be an amazing experience even though I don’t know nuthin’ about birthin’ no babies.

Peace