Perhaps I am being silly here, but am both embarrassed and hurt by something that happened today.

A number of years ago a close friend went with me on a school trip to the UK. She lives over a thousand miles away so it was a treat for us to be able to travel together. On that particular trip we brought our daughters as well as my students.

Things went well at first, but my students came to me and were complaining about the bickering going on among some of the other kids. None of the teen drama made any sense to me, so I pulled all the kids that were arguing together and made them sit down and talk out whatever the heck was going on.

My friend’s daughter was behind the mess. She was carrying tales back and forth between groups of kids doing the teen girl “she said this about you” or “he said that about you” thing. Possibly it was a divide and conquer thing to get into one of the groups – I don’t know.

I told my friend what was going on and she was angry with her daughter for being so dumb and life went on. As the trip progressed things became more strained though. My friend was spending more and more time with her daughter because the rest of the kids didn’t really want anything to do with her anymore. Add to that mess the fact that this friend of mine has had various mental health issues in the past.

I’d been there for her through a number of them. Some of those things included me talking her out of suicide and being there to support her through issues that drove her depression into a serious mess. I think seeing her daughter unhappy made her angry and she became somewhat of a bitch for the remainder of the trip.

When we got back to the States, I was uncertain how to handle things. I felt uncomfortable calling her because she stomped off at the airport without even saying goodbye. I just didn’t know what to say so I hoped she’d contact me.

Time went on and I missed her. I missed the wonderful things about her. I missed the bond we had and how we always seemed to have each other’s backs. Even so, I was still edgy and didn’t want to make that first move.

There were so many times I stared at my phone over the years. There were so many times I started to dial and hung up. There were a couple of times that I blocked my number and called only to get a voice message. Rather than leaving a message, I hung up. I just didn’t know what to say.

Last November I called her and left a message. My hope was that years put the rough feelings of our last time together behind us and we could possibly regain some sort of a friendship.

She called me back the next day and we talked for hours. We laughed and joked about all the things that have happened in our lives over the years. She sent me an email and said she would rather keep in contact that way because her work schedule made it crazy to be able to catch each other to talk.

We began to write back and forth about once a week. We shared feelings, laughs, and stories about what was going on with us. She sent me pics of her family – yada yada yada. In the meantime we talked on the phone every once in a while.

I hadn’t heard from her for about a month so I called her last week. Today she responded with an email that shocked me.

She said she doesn’t know why I bothered to contact her after all these years and that she knows it certainly couldn’t be because I missed her. She said she has no desire to renew any kind of friendship with me and told me to have a good life.

I was stunned.

Why would she suddenly decide that? It makes me sad.

Peace

I’m hangin’ here – hanging my head in shame. Here I was utterly and completely muttering about my hubster’s silly spending habits and I most certainly had to find a way to choke down every one of those wayward mutters.

Why, you ask?

Last night was silly time with my gang of grad school girlies. When we get together it’s our time to recap what’s been happening in our lives since the last time we sharing the same space.

I think I’ve babbled about them before – this time it was our Diamond Girl that had one of the best stories to share.

It seems her hubby had the brilliant idea to buy his mom a brand new Camaro. She vetoed this plan for a couple of reasons: 1. his mom and dad have plenty of cash and could have paid cash for it if they wanted to buy one 2. Diamond Girl thought spending that kind of money on “mom” was a bit frivolous.

Apparently, hubster disagreed. He went off on his own and bought the car! Now they have $500/month car payments on a car that his mom loves, but seldom drives.

Oi vey!

Who does this?

Seriously, a few weeks ago I was rolling my eyes when my hubster was paying $8/pound for black jelly beans! He insisted on buying a whole lotta pounds of the gooey things as a gag gift and I thought that was dumb.

Put in perspective, I’d happily buy even more jelly beans! Yup, those little black suckers were a much better buy.

So, I am chagrined. I shall not complain again! (at least not today)

Peace

I am creating a wee little monster, but she truly is a damn cute one.

The other day Babycub (who I really should rename now that she is taller than me) and I  took the little grandbaby to the mall for “girls’ day”. It was a delight!

I think a love of shoes must be a genetic thing that runs strongly through the females in my clan. Actually, shoes were the primary reason for this shopping extravaganza – MiniMouse needed new sandals and I’m just the woman to take her shopping!

We started in the shoe store and after she gleefully tried on a number of pairs, we found the perfect ones. From the shoe store we scampered into a children’s clothing store to find the perfect outfit for our little Diva in Training. The one we chose was so utterly delightful that we simply had to do a quick change in the dressing room after paying for our treasures.

Everyone knows the perfect outfit requires the perfect accessories, so our next stop was a boutique that carries jewelry for teenyboppers and little girls. Our little lady happily found some bracelets, a cute little purse to match her new outfit, and pink polka-dotted sunglasses to complete the ensemble.

The look was complete and she was loving the feeling of struttin’ through the mall in her new get up.

I was giggling.

She was adorable.

We did lunch.

We shopped for new books.

We had a great day and I’m looking forward to a whole lot of days like this in the future. This gram (beebee) thing really does rock!

Peace

Hmmm… Where to start. I feel as if so much has happened in the past few days that my head is spinning.

Even though my heart was breaking, I went to graduation as did every other teacher in my district. It’s what we do – we are there for our kids – they are a part of our lives. However, the chairman of the school board opted out. Graduation started at 7:00, and at 5:00 he called the principal to say he (and the rest of the board) wouldn’t be coming.

The Rational?

They heard everyone was angry with them. They didn’t want to be boo’d and they heard the kids were going to refuse to shake their hands when they handed out diplomas. So, instead of the school board recognizing the kids that night, the principal and one of the teachers handled graduation. Parents were less than impressed with the actions of the board, especially when they found out the board chair was across the street having dinner at a local restaurant during the ceremony.

The next day was our last day of classes with students. The kids were amazing in their support of their teachers. My desk was buried under cards and things from my kids. Previous graduates were in and out of the building all day to say “g’bye” to those of us who wouldn’t be back. Television and newspaper reporters were all over the place. The story had gone wild. This was the third day straight that my baby school was one of the lead stories in the area.

The student walk-out was well done. They had a bbq and held signs that said things like “what about us”, “don’t destroy our family”, and things like that. A number of them were interviewed by television stations and they did a beautiful job. Every bit of press coverage was excellent. Parents showed up to support their kids when they walked out. I cried at the support we were being given.

The board meeting to cut us was scheduled for 6:00 that evening and everyone was going to attend. At the end of the day, we heard they were planning to meet at 5:00 to “discuss” things first. Within minutes of hearing that, the text messages and facebook pages were updated to let everyone know what was happening. Parents and students arrived early – just in case.

Our students packed the floor of the gym and reserved the seats in front of them for their teachers. They wanted us to all do this together. As it turned out, almost more people showed up for this than for graduation. They came at 5:00 and waited until 6:00 – they had things to say. Again, reporters and cameras were everywhere to cover this.

The meeting started at 6:00 with the board reading a statement explaining what was happening. The crowd was not impressed. Our principal spoke as well. He supported the teachers completely and said the board did this without his input, after he left a meeting, and that he was not in favor of the cuts. The crowds cheered. One lone board member said the same thing. In fact, he pointed out that they didn’t even let him know they were planning on cuts – he was out of the loop completely and he was angry. He also felt the cuts were insane and impossible. The crowd cheered.

After that parents, students, teachers, and community members lined up to address the school board. One after another stated they didn’t want this to happen. At times it became a little heated. I was impressed by the quality of the arguments being put forth. Parents did their homework and had facts and figures given to them by the state to support their cause. The board squirmed and tried to squiggle out of some things. The meeting went on for hours!

During the meeting the board chair actually began texting while one of the kids was asking a question. At that point, parents shouted “listen to our children and put your phone away!” At first he refused, but when more and more started shouting, he put the IPhone away. Later, three of the board members leaned back and began talking among themselves. The crowd shouted to stop that because it violated the open meeting laws. The board responded by saying they were considering tabling the cuts.

Eventually, the board challenged the parents to pass a referendum that we need to survive. They told the parents and teachers that they’d stop this IF everyone – community, employees, and board all worked together to find ways to make our school solvent. The crowd cheered. The only voice that argued was that of our superintended. He wasn’t at the meeting, but he was called. When the board told him hundreds and hundreds of community members were demanding they stop this, he said “too bad, make the cuts”.

They opted not to make the cuts and the celebrations began.

Kids and parents were hugging us. Tears were flowing. Parents that I’ve never seen in the school came up to tell us how important we were to their kids. Each of us had our own compliments, and I’m going to post the two that touched me the most. A hubby/wife duo came up and hugged me and said “without you, there is no school here” and another mom said “you have no idea how much this community loves you”. Touched doesn’t even begin to cover the emotions that statements like that stir up.

The kids were ecstatic. They learned first hand that citizens can make a difference if they work together. A number of them said things like “wow, power to the people!”

And then…..

Yesterday – our last day of work. No students were there, it was just us – the staff. For many of the teachers, they won’t be back until August so they would have had no idea what our board and superintendent were planning.

After everyone was gone, the superintendent and a couple of board members met. They posted a new meeting. Legally, every time they meet they must post it ahead of time. Their posting was put up inside the school, facing the empty hallways after everyone left for the summer. It was legal, but was it ethical?

What they didn’t know was that across the hall was one last teacher. He was sitting in the dark, entering grades on his computer. He heard them. He waited until they were gone and he took a picture of that posting.

Before long, the text messages began to fly. Reporters found out. Our superintendent finally spoke to the press and said “we still need to make cuts”.

In spite of everyone’s offer to work together, this man – who doesn’t even officially start as our superintendent until tomorrow – is going to ignore them. He’s going to forge ahead and we think only one board member will try to stop him.

Emotionally, this has been a disaster. It’s up, it’s down, it’s all over the place. Right now, I don’t know if I will have a job or not. I have no idea what is going to happen.

I do know this.

Our new superintendent is going to start his career at a school with no support from any staff. The community despises him. The kids want to toss him off the nearest bridge. Several of the board members are going to be leaving the board so he will lose that support. I don’t think it’s going to be a pleasant job for him, and that’s okay. He negotiated an enormous salary and benefits package for himself. He can spend his time counting his money because he certainly won’t have any friends to count.

Peace

As the days, the months go by it still doesn’t seem quite real that Led is actually gone. Every once in a while something hits me and I realize that I’ll never hear his voice again and I am sad – so incredibly sad. One of his best friends, Leah, has been there for me. We text and sometimes have called each other.

Led left us in a very weird spot. When I first found out I was stunned. I guess the best thing to do is to go back to the beginning – the beginning of the end.

When Leah called me to tell me Led died, there was a particularly difficult spot in an already weird conversation. She paused and asked if I had a daughter named D….. I said yes. At that point she hesitated again before asking me if Led was the father.

Duh?

A while back Led told me his friends thought he was the dad and we laughed about it. He told me he talked about her around them and they jumped to that crazy conclusion. It was like him to be secretive and let them guess. I could just imagine him inwardly chuckling at their false assumption.

I told Leah that Led was not the dad and that Led mentioned they thought he was. Thank goodness she got ahold of me when she did; she and his friends were about to tell his mother that she had an unknown granddaughter.

Can you imagine?!?

A while later Leah and I were talking again and it all came out. She told me that it wasn’t an assumption – my Led actually came out and told them he was my youngest child’s father.

Huh?

He told them I’d once lived there with him and we split after I got pregnant. He told them it was all his fault. He told them he’d paid child support for years. He told them he helped me buy my current home. He told me he loved me, but we just couldn’t be together.

Huh?

He didn’t tell them I was married. He didn’t tell them I had other children. He didn’t tell him that my daughter was actually conceived when he lived in an entirely different state and before I actually knew him.

There is more, but you get the picture.

I was shocked.

I talked to him. Sure he couldn’t respond, but I talked and talked and talked. I asked him what he could possibly have been thinking.

I’ve not always been truthful about myself online. I think I ‘fessed up to you guys about my intitial ventures into chatrooms and the lies I told. I’m not proud of them. I told giant fibs to people I didn’t know.

He told huge whoppers to the people in his life. He fibbed to the people that were his support system, that cared about him, that he sat across the table with during holidays.

Somehow it all seemed different to me.

Maybe it’s not.

I know that I was lonely when I did the things I did. I was seeking acceptance and I thought that by being something I was not, I’d get that. I had no right to do and say the things I did. I hurt feelings and I hurt myself in the long run. I wasn’t in a place in my life where I was happy with how things were going. That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it’s the only explanation I have.

With Led, I think he was incredibly lonely.

I think he’d seen his friends moving on – one by one. I think he saw them getting married, having families, growing up, and having the things that I know he wanted so very much. I think he wanted them to believe that he had them – in an odd and twisted way. I think he wanted them to think there was someone out there for him.

Sadly, when he was at his most lonely – those last months of his life – I was too busy for him. I’d stepped away and expected him to be able to fly solo. I know I was his support system. I know I was the one he’d always talked to when the world kicked him in the balls. I deserted him because he was clinging too much and expecting too much. He wanted things I couldn’t give him. I could offer friendship – nothing else.

At the same time someone else that was very special to me had to back away. Their own life took some unexpected turns and they needed to deal with that. Their life was most assuredly too busy for me and, like Led, I had to stand on my own two feet without the emotional support I was used to.

In the long run, I think it was a good thing. I will always care about the special person that drifted from my life. Hell, my heart will always hold a place for just that person – nobody else can fill that spot. Even though we are still friends, it’s not the same. My calls and texts to this person are not always answered and I know I’m not as important to them as I once was. It’s okay – I understand – I truly do.

My point – I don’t know that Led was able to do what we did. He didn’t find it as easy to go it alone and the stories he wove increased during the last months of his life. He floundered. He was alone and he was lonely.

I am not angry for the stories he told.

I am sad for him.

I’m sad that he was so very lonely and that he died alone.

I’m sad that he’s not there anymore and that I cannot tell him that I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sad that he didn’t know how much he meant to me.

I’m sorry for myself as well. Two people incredibly dear to me in different ways are lost to me. I think of them both daily. Even still in those odd little moments when something funky happens I want to just pick up my phone and call one or both of them. Yet, I cannot.

I guess tonight I am feeling introspective and just needed to ramble.

I’m okay; truly I am. I’m not looking for anyone to feel badly for me. I’m in a good place in my life. I am happy. Things are good.

Sometimes, I just want to move the clock back and have one more day.

Peace

Gartoomi, I am beginning to feel like Linda Blair did when her head was spinning hilly nilly around in circles in the Exorcist.

I’m a busy little patootie right now. I am chasing one giant puppy, about to get another giant puppy, das cubs are involved in a bunch of activities through school, I’ve suddenly found myself on multiple committiees and uh, kinda sorta in charge of them as well. The school year is coming to a close which means paperwork and stuff like that. It’s spring which means gardens, flowers, and yard work. I’m redoing some curriculum for next year. *pant pant* Guess what? I am finding that I am loving this stuff.

It’s busy, but a good kind of busy.

I love the committies and I feel like they truly are making and will continue to make a difference.

The Cubs need to be involved in stuff. It’s a good thing for them and that kind of thing keeps kids active and out of trouble. They are on the go a lot, but are both holding down excellent grades. (gotta brag here – A Honor Roll – Sorry, I’m da mom and I’m entitled to brag)

The dog babies are adorably wonderful and galoompy. Who could resist a Newf? I tell ya’, this is a totally rockin’ breed of canine loveliness!

The paperwork that comes with the end of the school year can be good. It means I can say g’bye to the few kids that utterly drive me up the wall. Here’s the shout out “g’bye to JG, RA, JP! I won’t miss you guys one wee bit!

Gardens = flowery goodness and luverly scents wafting about my yard. I happen to love curling up in a hammock near my gardens and thinking “wow, I created those!”

Soon it’s going to be time to go to the lake and just be a bum. I’m looking forward to that. I think we’re putting an RV there so we have our own personal space amidst the chaos that my family is. As long as I don’t have to sleep outside, have electricity, running water, and a cozy bed, I love love love camping.

Hmmmm busy is good.

That’s my life.

I hope y’all are enjoying yours!

Peace

There I was holed up in a bunker with a friend, T, while the bullets were flying around us. Suddenly, it was so dang real and the two of us were saying “we have to get out of here!! How do we do this?”

At the same time, we were giggling.

Paintball!

Damn is that fun!

Some of the kids at school are really into this and have been asking some of us to go with them. A few of us figured we’d go for it. It totally rocks!

We were divided into teams, given our guns, shields, paintballs, and all that jazz. For the next five hours we traipsed through the woods from one course to the other as the refs set up game after game for us. At first I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing. Eventually, I found myself yelling out that I’d cover someone or pointing out the positions of “enemy” players to to teammates.

The place we went provided a “ref” and another guy that went along and played on one of the teams – he was on my team. At one point he told us that we were going to “sprint up the hill” when he counted to three. I blinked and said “uh, sprint?!?!” He was a honey and told the other teacher and I we could provided cover fire from the bottom.  Even so, something came over me once the “battle” started. Within a few seconds I was racing up the hill, dodging behind obstacles and trees, firing my gun like Rambo, until I got to the top and actually took out one of the snipers!

The employee guy was even impressed. I was stunned, but oh so proud of my old self!

Later I was involved in a firefight with one of the kids. We were at the edge of the course, and I’d run up the side to try to take over their bunker from behind. Anyone who is shot has to sit out the rest of the game, and the “shot” people were on the sidelines near my wild firefight. As this boy and I moved for position and shot globs of pink and green goo at each other, the “shot” people looked on.

I got the other guy! As I began dancing around in glee, I heard one of the “shot” people say “Oh yeah, that’s MY mom!” I didn’t embarrass my kid in front of the gang from his school. He was laughing and bragging it up. Only two females were on this adventure – both teachers and one was his mom. I held my own and love the game!

I soooooooooo wanna go again!

Peace

PS – By the way, if you are wondering (like I did) – everything used is biodegradable. The “paint” isn’t really paint. It’s some kind of funky dye stuff that is environmentally friendly. The shells that the “paint” is in are made of something that simply dissolves (much like a gel cap pill).

Damn can time slip away. I have flipped on the computer several times only to be pulled away by other things. I have even zipped onto efx, but again – no time. Soooooooo here I am.

I’m bored – very bored. I’m hanging out here waiting for Babycub to get done with her JO volleyball practice and Boycub to get done weight lifting so I can finally go HOME for the day.

Tick tock tick tock

Since I last wrote so much has happened. Hell, we even climbed to the top of Mount Vesuvius. No, I am not kidding around here – climbing volcanos is serious business! Actually, the kids and I were in Italy last month and had a fantastic time. The volcano climb was a totally new experience – it’s one I’d recommend.

Overall, I can’t complain about life. It’s odd how things sometimes just fall into place when you expect the world to be topsy turvy. There were two people who I totally couldn’t imagine living without, and I’ve discovered that sometimes one just has to toughen up and stand on their own. One of them died and the other became incredibly busy with all kinds of stuff in their world that I became low priority. I’m not complaining – that’s just life. I know and understand completely how things are right now.

My point? Oh hell, I don’t know for sure. I’m just babbling here. Mostly, I’m just saying I have done it. I’ve learned to live without the ability to pick up the phone day or night to call one of these two people to share the most minute details of my world.

The Cubs are all doing dandy.

Spring is here and I’m loving it.

I’m getting my new puppy next month. She is adorable.

I still love my job, but I am anxious for summer break.

I miss blogging, but I can’t promise that I’ll be better about being here more.

I do think about all of you.

And that – is that for now.

Peace

It still doesn’t seem quite real to me that Led isn’t going to be there for me the way he was for so very long.

For the first few days I cried every time I thought of him, but for the past two days I haven’t cried. I’m doing okay.

All kinds of odd things have gone through my mind.

I think we all have similar thoughts when we lose someone we love. We fret over things left unsaid. We moan over things we wish we hadn’t said or done. Shit, the last word I actually texted to him was “die”. Go figure! Granted, I wasn’t telling him to die; I simply texted “crap, my battery is about to die” – even so, the irony of it all didn’t escape me.

I’ve been angry with him. He promised he’d always be there. He isn’t. I know this because I call his cell each day just to hear his voice. Perhaps the finality of it all will sink in when the phone is disconnected and I get a recording saying the number is no more. Until then, I shall call just to have that bit of connection.

I’ve come to realize that I’m being incredibly selfish. I’m thinking of his death in terms of “what will I do without him in my life?” Sheesh, I have made this all about me. The reality of the situation is  that I should be sad for him and not for me. I think grief tends to be that way for most people though. We are sad for ourselves because losing that someone takes them away from us. It’s the survivors that are feeling lonely – it’s not the one that’s gone.

Even though I hadn’t talked to him right before he died, he knew I loved him. I know he did. I believe that deep in my heart.

I also believe he didn’t know or sense how close he was to dying. I’ve heard over and over from people how their loved one just “knew”. I really think he just went to sleep that night and didn’t wake up in the morning. I don’t think he felt shitty and suspected that was his last night or that the end was nearing. I believe he’d have called me to say good-bye if that were the case. He wouldn’t have just bailed from this planet on me.

I do believe his spirit, his presence, or whatever is here and always will be around me. He may not physically be here to kick my ass when I act like an idiot, but the essence of him is here. I can hear his voice in my head giving me encouragement.

I’m still finding the hardest part is that I can’t just pick up the phone any time I want to talk to him. I think that will bother me for a very long time.

In the meantime, I am finding myself smiling when those memories of him hit me by surprise. It’s okay. I miss him, but I will be okay. The world will keep spinning and as long as he’s in my heart, he’s going to be spinning on it with me.

Peace

Fa la la la la, la la la la – I love love love love my friend, Eilie! Yesterday I was grumbly and cranky, but the horse thing completely got my mind off the situation that was making me grumbly and cranky.

That didn’t make it go away though, so today the grumbly crankiness was back. It’s a long story, I won’t bore you with the details. Needless to say, I was irritated in a huge huge way.

This evening I was sounding off about it to Eilie and she came up with the perfect way to resolve the situation. Brilliant! I’m going to use her solution and life will be good.

Yup, that’s what friends are for – solving problems. Damn, I love that girl!

Peace