Perhaps I am being silly here, but am both embarrassed and hurt by something that happened today.

A number of years ago a close friend went with me on a school trip to the UK. She lives over a thousand miles away so it was a treat for us to be able to travel together. On that particular trip we brought our daughters as well as my students.

Things went well at first, but my students came to me and were complaining about the bickering going on among some of the other kids. None of the teen drama made any sense to me, so I pulled all the kids that were arguing together and made them sit down and talk out whatever the heck was going on.

My friend’s daughter was behind the mess. She was carrying tales back and forth between groups of kids doing the teen girl “she said this about you” or “he said that about you” thing. Possibly it was a divide and conquer thing to get into one of the groups – I don’t know.

I told my friend what was going on and she was angry with her daughter for being so dumb and life went on. As the trip progressed things became more strained though. My friend was spending more and more time with her daughter because the rest of the kids didn’t really want anything to do with her anymore. Add to that mess the fact that this friend of mine has had various mental health issues in the past.

I’d been there for her through a number of them. Some of those things included me talking her out of suicide and being there to support her through issues that drove her depression into a serious mess. I think seeing her daughter unhappy made her angry and she became somewhat of a bitch for the remainder of the trip.

When we got back to the States, I was uncertain how to handle things. I felt uncomfortable calling her because she stomped off at the airport without even saying goodbye. I just didn’t know what to say so I hoped she’d contact me.

Time went on and I missed her. I missed the wonderful things about her. I missed the bond we had and how we always seemed to have each other’s backs. Even so, I was still edgy and didn’t want to make that first move.

There were so many times I stared at my phone over the years. There were so many times I started to dial and hung up. There were a couple of times that I blocked my number and called only to get a voice message. Rather than leaving a message, I hung up. I just didn’t know what to say.

Last November I called her and left a message. My hope was that years put the rough feelings of our last time together behind us and we could possibly regain some sort of a friendship.

She called me back the next day and we talked for hours. We laughed and joked about all the things that have happened in our lives over the years. She sent me an email and said she would rather keep in contact that way because her work schedule made it crazy to be able to catch each other to talk.

We began to write back and forth about once a week. We shared feelings, laughs, and stories about what was going on with us. She sent me pics of her family – yada yada yada. In the meantime we talked on the phone every once in a while.

I hadn’t heard from her for about a month so I called her last week. Today she responded with an email that shocked me.

She said she doesn’t know why I bothered to contact her after all these years and that she knows it certainly couldn’t be because I missed her. She said she has no desire to renew any kind of friendship with me and told me to have a good life.

I was stunned.

Why would she suddenly decide that? It makes me sad.

Peace

Suffice it to say, that was one of the most horrific things I have ever seen/experienced.

They had an open coffin.

It caught me off guard.

There they were – the mother, my old student, with her beautiful baby girl curled up beside her. Beneath the blanket that rested across the mommy was her tiny baby who was only two days from being born.

I cried.

I think everyone cried.

I cannot see how anyone wouldn’t have been moved to tears.

I cannot seem to get that image out of my mind.  It’s haunting me.

Peace

I actually tried to post this a couple of days ago, but my comp locked up and I didn’t have time to fuss with it.

***

There are those news stories that just get you – they tear at your heart and make you wonder why the hell things like that happen in our world. I’m talking about the stories that never happen to anyone we actually know – it’s those horrible things that happen to other people.

This week one of them happened to someone I know.

She was one of my students. She traveled with me. She hung out in my room. She made me smile. She was a good person. She was one of those quieter students who didn’t need or seek to be the center of attention. She wasn’t the most popular girl in school, but she was kind and people liked her.

She graduated several years and ago and went on with her life.

She graduated from college. She worked with kids.

She was married and she had a fifteen month old baby. Her second baby was scheduled to be delived on Wednesday via c-section. Both were little girls.

Rather than celebrating the life of a new baby, her family and friends are left with sadness and grief.

Her scum sucking excuse for a cheating bastard of a husband brought an end to all of their lives.

He shot them.

He killed his fifteen month old baby girl. He killed his pregnant wife a couple of days before their second little girl was to be born. The asshole even shot their three dogs before killing himself.

She’d left him and was back in the house getting some of her things.

She knew he was cheating on her.

She knew he was an ass.

She left.

Sadly, she must not have had a clue as to how dangerous he truly was.

News reports will go on and on about what a kind and loving man he was. They will blame his military service in Iraq for his behavior. I don’t care. I really don’t.

Maybe it is nasty and unforgiving of me to say “I don’t give a shit” about his mental health issues, I don’t care.

I understand the fact that war plays hell with a person’s mind. I get that.

What I will never get past is the fact that this animal was able to look into the eyes of an innocent fifteen month child – his own daughter – as he shot her. There is no excuse. He murdered his family.

Now there are unanswered questions running through the minds of so many people.

There are her friends who are mourning and wishing they could have done something to save her.

There is her family praying to find a way to turn back the clock and to stop her from going back to that house.

There is grief.

There is sadness.

There is no wee baby to coo over.

Instead, many people, including me, will be attending a wake tomorrow and a funeral the following day.

It is just so sad – so horrifying.

It’s one of those things you never think will personally touch your life. We see stories like this in the papers and on the news – I hate that it is so close. I hate that things like this happen to anyone.

Peace

*** Last night was the visitation; today is the funeral. I think I can honestly say that visitation was one of the saddest things I have ever seen.

So there is this guy that lives in my town and I am feeling consumed with guilt because I don’t think I’m feeling the “proper” amount of sympathy for him right now.

I don’t like him.

Our paths have crossed socially and professionally for years.

I never liked him.

He’s always come across as arrogant and superior.

He taught my oldest daughter in school. She didn’t like him

Our younger kids went to daycare together.

If my two year old took a toy from his two year old, he mentioned it in class to my daughter and embarrassed her.

I always had this feeling he was looking down my nose at me and that he thought I was some kind of superfluous bit of fluff.

He never said anything – it was just how he made me feel.

My youngest son goes to school with his son. His son is rather pompous (or so say most of the teachers he has had along the way). The kid is very bright, but arrogant.

We’ve served on committees together, this man and me, and he puts himself out there as an expert on everything we discuss.

It makes me crazy.

When we moved into this house we had extra fencing. I mentioned to someone that the guy could have the fencing because his son was going to raise goats. The man called and asked if he could come get it immediately. I was getting ready to go somewhere and told him the next day would work out better. He argued. I said no, tomorrow is best because I was busy. He showed up five minutes later. Rude!

Three years ago his wife was diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t know her that well, but she seemed nice enough. I felt badly for her, for their two kids, and even for the man. It was an aggressive form of cancer; we all knew she wouldn’t survive.

Late last month she died. It truly is a tragedy for that family. Nobody deserves that to happen to them – not her, the kids, her friends, or the man.

On Sunday I saw the man at our local town thingy. He came over to hang out with my friends and me. I told him again how sorry I was that his wife died. I said all the things one should say in that situation.

I was involved with something else and didn’t really listen carefully to the conversation he was intently having with one of my friends.

Later I find out their conversation was him grumbling about something. He was being his negative and superior self about an issue that was very important to my friend that he was discussing it with.

She chalked it up to the fact that he must be having a difficult time right now.

Not me.

I just thought “he’s like that all the time”.

Hell, I am sitting here actually feeling guilty for not feeling guilty because I can’t jump on the “cut him some slack, his wife died” bandwagon.

He was a poop before.

I think he’s a poop now.

Now he’s a tragic figure to people and I can’t say I think he’s a big stinker or I’ll look like an unfeeling twit.

Argh!

Oh well. I can say it here.

He’s a poop!

Peace

I have found it.

Well actually someone else found it for me, but hey – who cares? It could be my future!

Last night at a school board meeting the board chairman said to moi “Just wait until you see what we have in store for you!”

Hmmmm

He was chuckling about this; I figured it he was up to no good, but I just had to ask.

His response?

“We’re going to get an old school bus and paint it blue. We’re going to put you in it and turn you loose on the race track”

Huh?

Apparently, a local race track has an annual bus racing event. This year another school entered it and used the side of the bus as a huge advertisement for their district. Clever clever!

Somewhere in all of this, our school board has decided that I get to do this next year. I glanced over at the zany teacher that is usually at my side when crazy adventures are taking place and said “only if my partner in crime goes with me!”

She moaned, laughed, and said she would.

Okay, so neither of us has ever driven a bus. We both drive compact cars. We’ve never done any kind of racing.

What the hell?

It sounds like fun!

This time next year I may start my racing career in a school bus, but I figure by the end of the summer I’ll be ready for Indy. Look out Danika Patrick, there’s a new girl racer on the way!

Peace

They didn’t want me. Oh woe woe woe is moi. Actually, I’m truly not upset about not being contacted about that job. I just thought it would sound wonderfully dramatic to do the whole woe is moi thing.

I have time to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up. However *insert shudder here* I do have a sudden concern about what will become of me. It didn’t actually occur to me until I was dangling my toes in the lake while sitting on the dock with a bunch of friends and family.

Somehow that conversation got around to age and aging. Someone said I don’t appear to be as old as I actually am – that part I pretty much knew and loved. The next part is what has me worried. They said that I seem younger because I act younger and I act younger because of my job.

Egads!

What happens if/when I have to leave the world of high school and get a job in the adult world? What happens if I get an office?

Will I suddenly feel old?

Will I look older?

Will I forget how to laugh?

Will I become one of “those” older people?

Will I forget what it is like to be a kid?

Will I forget how to play and be silly?

Will I ever giggle again?

Laugh laugh if you like, but I have to say this is one of the things that scares me most about my possible school closure and career change.

I don’t wanna grow up!

Peace

I hate being in a state of limbo!

The kids and I are contemplating a jaunt to New York to see the Tut Exhibit before it flies home to Egypt. The boy has always been a mega fan of mummies, Egypt, and all that jazz. I’ve taken him to The British Museum in London and he was fascinated. Outside of actually visiting Egypt, that museum offers a fantastic experience. The girl has been driving me crazy to take her to New York City.

I have never been there. That seems so weird to me. I have visited and am quite comfortable in a number of European cities, but this great city in my own country is foreign to me.

Had this opportunity come up a year ago, it would have been a no-brainer. I’d already have the plane tickets purchased and the hotel reservations made. Instead I’m torn. New York City is expensive, and when I do these “once in a lifetime” things, the hub usually just says “go for it” and makes sure there is plenty of money for us to blow.

This time is different. The future is simply too iffy right now to be comfortable with an easy decision.

Do I take go for it and spend the money when I may not even have a job a year from now? Does it make more sense to save the money for that possible rainy day? Should I savor this adventure with my kids because we’d be doing something we’d never do again?

The hub says go for it. He’ll dogsit and hand over the cash for the three of us to play in the Big Apple for a few nights. I figure we’d go in October.

Keep in mind, I’m taking both kids to England and France in March. That’s going to hit us in the bank account as well.

Argh – I do so hate hate hate hate hate hate this uncertain feeling.

What to do?

Peace

I am creating a wee little monster, but she truly is a damn cute one.

The other day Babycub (who I really should rename now that she is taller than me) and I  took the little grandbaby to the mall for “girls’ day”. It was a delight!

I think a love of shoes must be a genetic thing that runs strongly through the females in my clan. Actually, shoes were the primary reason for this shopping extravaganza – MiniMouse needed new sandals and I’m just the woman to take her shopping!

We started in the shoe store and after she gleefully tried on a number of pairs, we found the perfect ones. From the shoe store we scampered into a children’s clothing store to find the perfect outfit for our little Diva in Training. The one we chose was so utterly delightful that we simply had to do a quick change in the dressing room after paying for our treasures.

Everyone knows the perfect outfit requires the perfect accessories, so our next stop was a boutique that carries jewelry for teenyboppers and little girls. Our little lady happily found some bracelets, a cute little purse to match her new outfit, and pink polka-dotted sunglasses to complete the ensemble.

The look was complete and she was loving the feeling of struttin’ through the mall in her new get up.

I was giggling.

She was adorable.

We did lunch.

We shopped for new books.

We had a great day and I’m looking forward to a whole lot of days like this in the future. This gram (beebee) thing really does rock!

Peace

I miss blogging. I also miss the community aspect of having a number of blogs that I look forward to reading. I always enjoyed the silliness of some bloggers, the joy of others, the opinions of some. I loved the variety of the numerous personalities that I came to know and enjoy.

I know I bailed out – took time away. I think a number of people did the same thing. Sadly, not everyone found their way back to the world of writing, journaling, whatever. Facebook seems to have nabbed a number of people. I gave that a very very short try and I really don’t care for it. It’s not as interesting or as deep as blogging was to me.

I can’t fight Facebook, but I will continue to blog. I’m hoping to find new blogs to read, new people to enjoy, new readers for my babble, etc. I am going to try to be more dilligent about tossing something up here more frequently. I’m also going to post at a couple of my usual haunts with the idea of eventually just using one site.

Cross your fingers; I am hoping to see more of the “old” bloggers around these parts!

Peace

Over the 4th of July weekend we headed to the lake. We have an RV parked overlooking the lake in the yard of one of the family cabins. It all works out pretty slick and it allows us to have a lot of people around.

While it’s awesome to be surrounded by people you love, sometimes it can be awful noisy and chaotic. The noise put me in a stinky situation. Yes, yes yes, I did mean “stinky” and not “sticky”.

One morning I slipped off to the RV to use the bathroom. When I went to open the sliding door, I realized the damn thing locked behind me. Who knew the goofy thing locked from the outside, but not from inside? Certainly, I didn’t!

Who wants to sit in a tiny RV bathroom yelling for help? Not me. Yet, I did let out a few “anyone out there?” shouts to no avail. Fortunately, I had my cell phone that sometimes actually gets service in the woods. I began texting various family members while crossing my fingers that they had their phones and were in cell range.

Eventually, I was rescued and didn’t have to die in a smelly RV bathroom. Whew! Tragedy averted.

Peace